I remember about two years passed where i couldn't listen to my own music. I'm not sure if i was just angry or that i feared facing the 'possible' truth that it was too much a part of me for me to just cut it out...stop...how does someone just cut out a part of them and walk away? Of all the songs that were meant to be on that album, the one that i hated most was called "When I'm Weak". I remember just bawlin' when i would think of it or when i could bring myself to listen because it summed up all i was feeling. It summed up my anger about not feeling like i was in control of my life, my music. it summed up my frustrations behind people trying to box me in when i wanted to be liquid. The thing that angered me most though was how in that song i declared that i would not be silenced or broken or weak...and that is just how i have felt for so long.
Even now, writing these words while listening to the track i am shaking and so emotional because over five years have passed since i recorded that song and walked away from music. Five years passed of me not doing what felt most natural and therapeutic but the truth is in that moment it wasn't beautiful to me, or natural or therapeutic...because i was in an environment that was so toxic i was plagued with migraines and i just wanted to escape, to breathe...i never wanted to hear another melody again and i was okay with that. (anxiety attack)
The album was to be called "Middle-Aged 18 Year Old" like my book (a whole other story but not really...just a different form of expression ) and it was a documentation of so much of who i was at the time...it was like an introduction to how i viewed the world...the songs were written over a wide span of time and were meant to set the stage for an amazing career of singing, songwriting and just over-all greatness (in my mind at least). That album would have set so many feelings free for me that holding it back just felt like a personal attack almost as if i were being caged...but when i think of cages(sadly) the first thing that comes to mind are birds and i've always been more of a butterfly. See, i have always believed that we all have something unique to offer...our place couldn't be taken unless we gave it up, unless we failed to step into our purpose... like in Esther 4 verse 14 KJV " For if thou altogether Holdest thy peace at this time, then shall there enlargement and deliverance arise to the jews from another place; but thou and thy father's house shall be destroyed: and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" So here i was...failing to step into my purpose? maybe, or taking the path that was unique to the fulfillment of that purpose but one thing i did know...the part about knowing whether i am am here for this purpose stuck with me...i did truly believe that i was put on earth to write and sing in a way that is my own and therefore needed. Do you get it? There can be a million people doing what you are, saying what you are but how you do and say it is no less important or valuable, you still have to play your part and do what you were put on earth to do and don't ever be careless enough to let anyone think they have the power to stop you from doing so.
Now i could say so much and really let the anger pour out, paint pictures of monsters, throw blame...but this isn't what i am about. Who i am today can no longer be angry about someone else's actions or failure to act in this case...i can't be angry because my career, talent, destiny was never in their hands. i made a choice to walk away and not look back...i could have walked away and pursued my dream elsewhere but maybe i needed to take this path to get to this moment. This woman i am accepts responsibility for her actions and respects time and patience. I now understand the difference between doing something because i can and i am good at it and doing something because i feel it pulling me...as if to say "come home." I now understand I am music, and music is me...it wasn't something i had a choice in...i couldn't take it out and leave it...it was too important, so without even knowing i carried all along, it sat there and evolved as i did and grew as i did. So here...in true form...unmixed, unmastered and to be completely honest rough vocals but the message is as pure as it will get. Enjoy and share...receive and embrace it.