So anyone who knows me, knows just how important having a family has always been to me in the grand scheme of things. I didn’t get married because it would look good or have kids because it was expected. I have always looked forward to these things and in some ways literally worked towards being good at it my whole life (after all you can’t be so bad at being a girlfriend and not learn a few valuable lessons along the way lol,)
Another thing you would know is that I wanted to have my children before thirty(which now everyone knows…I kinda hate baring myself to people and using words like “I” and “my” in this way is quite different from writing a song…but hey…I chose to write a blog ). So…I wanted to stick with the plan of having another baby before thirty (and like it or not that time is fast approaching *inserts tiny scream*) and the timeline was perfect except my husband was scheduled to deploy and I was going back and forth with him about when…do we wait…I really don’t want to be pregnant and raising a toddler(hurricane) without help…he said something to the effect of "no but I would be gone and before you know it I’d be back right in time and BAM we would have a baby"(how flipping convenient that you have an instant baby…right? (inserts sarcastic emoji here but after all his response to learning I was pregnant with Luca was a high five and “Good Job”), then I considered long and Hard and said ‘you know what...like everything else I’m just going to leave this in God’s hands on his time…but thennnnn I decided “no, its best to wait till he comes back then pregnancy can be as beautiful and stress-free as with Luca"(and boy let me tell you it was near perfect.)
So ANYWAY…lo and behold…not even three weeks after he left I found out I was pregnant (laugh out loud) and at first I didn’t know how to feel…I was like “ Ummmm God, we talked about this at length…remember…I said I wanted to wait because it would be too stressful all by myself (I should have saved that laugh out loud for right here). You didn’t stick to the plan Lord…you literally sat there for the whole conversation and didn’t hear one thing we talked about…(yup I called him out on not paying attention in class)…so after a few months when it started to feel real(yes…some mothers will understand how long the shock actually takes to wear off before you start to acknowledge the life growing in your belly…ummm the actual growth of your belly and everything else also helps drive this point home “BIGLY”). I started to get excited, and of course in my mind it’s another boy because after Luca I decided(doesn’t it always go downhill after I say this? Lol) I wanted only boys because they were so much easier and I still had all of Luca’s things, they could share a room for a few years, I wanted to be the only girl in my house etc. so basically...again I had it all planned out(yes you can laugh)…(now you can stop..it’s not that funny)
Fast forward to my ultra sound and IT’S A GIRL…like OMG do you even listen to me anymore God? I mean I talk but all you seem to hear is blah blah blah(the audacity), what am I going to do with a girl?…I was prepared for a boy…for the past two years I’ve been saying I want only boys and now this??…and in the midst of my complaining this understanding just came over me “yes actually, I heard you loud and clear…ever since you were a little girl old enough to have an idea of wanting a family you always said I want a boy and girl just like my mommy…I want the boy first so he can look out for his little sister…so yes I have been listening to you…and I gave you exactly what you wanted (that shut me up real quick…men, have you ever witnessed the realization hit your significant other that you are in fact right about one thing in life…which makes her wrong for the first time…ever…since birth…yes it was that kind of energy in the room(God sure set me straight).
So it wasn’t long after that I started to fall in love with the idea of a daughter(it may have had to do with the idea of shopping for a little girl, but…)I like to tell myself it’s because I wanted to be fair…I had Luca after all and in my opinion sons and mothers raise each other, fathers and daughters raise each other(in the sense that we are forced to see and acknowledge the other side of the coin out of our desire to be fair to our child and actually ‘hear them”…it was only right that my husband had a little girl, not to mention how much I treasure the relationship that I had with my father growing up…he was my biggest supporter, cheerleader and fan and I thought it would be beautiful for my daughter and husband to share that kind of bond.
So while all of this is happening…since I named Luca, It was my my husband’s turn to name our child (palm to face emoji) and he wanted a “D” name…understandable…but I wanted the children to have the same first and last initials so I was pushing for an “L” name…I let it go though because a deal is a deal (as hard as it was I was going to have to be mature and accept the name he chose…or just call her “baby” for the rest of her life like in Dirty Dancing) I did the “adult” thing and started to help him look for a name(took me all of two hours to find out I didn’t like any of the “D” names I found…took him only six months or so to come up with a name(yes people…SIX) of course in the back of my mind I had two perfect L names for him to choose from when he gave up on the “D” name (lol, ladies don’t we always have a backup plan?) One day out of the blue he sent me a name…and I was prepared to hate it and try to convince him to go with one of the names I chose…but it turns out it was a really beautiful “L” name (darn it!!!) and then he told me the meaning of the name “GOD HAS ANSWERED” and I was sold…I have not looked back since.
So this is the thing…I have never been one to tell God what I wanted really…I have always just let him do his thing (because who loves me more than he does anyway?), always just prayed for his perfect will to take route in my life…but for many years over and over I actually put into words and asked him while speaking into being for one thing and even though I changed my mind and had to be reminded that for so much longer, for whatever reason I asked him for this thing and that in disregarding what I now thought I wanted he was actually answering my prayer and giving me the one thing I had asked for by name (so to speak). And guess what I had to admit to myself that I was totally head over heels in love with the idea of a mini-me…can you imagine…what’s not to love???(I see you putting together a list, STOP IT lol) see…while I was raising my son to be this warm, sunny, hilarious, beautiful STORM(yes he is lol) who would make an amazing big brother…the kind of child who runs up to me and gives the best hugs and says things like “yaaaaay mommy is here” if I step outside for literally 30 seconds to put the garbage out, or “I miss you mommy” after looking over to see that I’m still there after playing for 20 minutes…these things balance out the tsunami, tornado, hurricane that he is thirty percent of the time(…lets be honest with ourselves…more like sixty lol) he was raising me to be the kind of mother a little girl would be proud to claim…the kind of mother a young woman could confide in and trust, the kind of mother an adult woman in her own pursuit of happiness could emulate.
So as much as I thought I wanted to have only boys and be the lady of the house…now I get to raise a little lady and I feel honoured that God answered this deep desire I forgot I had. There are those that will read this and say “ well it was fifty-fifty chance anyway…no master plan or divine being at work” to you I ask…How many blessings have you swept under the rug and labelled chance…how many times has God answered a prayer you forgot you offered up and you labelled it a disappointment or loss…I say to you…look with fresh eyes…every detail matters…be grateful…walk in your purpose, be intentional and trust that God is faithful to us even when we forget to be faithful to ourselves.
Psalms 37:4-5 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.