For a few years now i have been shaving my head atleast once a year, for different reasons. Sometimes because i wanted to go natural, my hair was shedding post partum, because my braids were too tight or simply because i had a really bad migraine(yes...i own that and i don't expect anyone to understand or think me sane). I have always gotten the "you don't know what to do with yourself " especially when it came to my hair and my response has always been "i know exactly what to do with myself."
Here goes my non-explanation. It's my damn head, my hair...and it does not define me, nor is my beauty dependent on or attached to it. Shaving my head (every time) has been so liberting and eye opening. Eye-opening how? You may wonder...well, every time before this i enjoyed the feeling of running my hand over my bald head, washing it everyday(whether or not that is a healthy hair practice) and just revelled in the fact that i could always boldy, unapologetically be myself(or so i thought). All those other times i wasn't truly comfortable in my skin and i wasn't sure why(not normally an issue for me though "me" had changed drastically over the years). This time felt different...and for a while i couldn't quite put my finger on it, but now that i figured it out i wanted to share it.
You know that girl who you look forward to seeing on your timeline, that 'pretty' girl you just love to see(there are quite a few on my timeline and in my life...you are probably one of them...and if you are a guy...hey handsome!!). Oh! Back to what i was saying...that pretty girl...i realized this bald head framed one of my favorite pretty girl's faces. See, i always joked about the 'filtered' versions of myself being unrealistic or better looking than me even though i am not 'sensitive' enough to be affected by such things( for those not familiar with sarcasm...that was just it). On a serious note though...for even the most confident person, after looking at this altered, 'improved' or just plain perfect version of yourself everyday it is impossible to not start feeling a little insecure(and hey...if you were already insecure about your appearance it's even harder to recover). Long story short i swapped out the filters for good lighting and a better attitude to taking pictures...my image, whatever it was...would be enough (fyi...i still take a million and choose my favorite...that is just a smart thing to do, not an insecuritything).
To get back to my point(since i tend to stray) this time i felt different about my hair(might actually keep it natural now...laugh with me) because i felt different about myself. Two babies in four years, the ups and downs of marriage and life, depression and anxiety, feeling insignificant and invisible (as we tend to feel every now and then...especially as women or mothers) all of that makes it easy to look in the mirror and not always be happy with who is looking back at you. I made changes...I 'decided' to get back to the things that were fulfilling to me, because the people i loved, the people i kept sacrificing myself for(who, lets be honest, didn't ask me to) deserved the best verion of me but more importantly i deserved the best version of me. So this time...when i shaved my head i was already happy with my reflection before i stepped infront of a mirror. Change can be good if you don't care too much what other people think about things that have nothing to do with them. It can be good if you decide to be kind to yourself instead of anticipating all the mean(unsolicited) opinions of others and letting them ruin a totally beautiful thing. That beautiful thing i speak of is your "unfuckwithableness" (sometimes you have to make up words). You deserve to step out knowing that you are the most beautiful person in the room.
So i figure by now you know its about more than just my hair...I was not okay because i wasn't caring for myself...i changed that. I cut off interaction with people who triggered my anxiety or just good ole anger. I let go off all the people i associated with toxicity or just a bad mental space(for me...and in all fairness this is totally personal, what they represent to me didn't make them bad people it just meant somewhere along the line they became unhealthy for me for whatever reason. ) I started writing, creating, working on me again...carved out time to get things done that weren't about everyone else(moms know how hard this is). I stopped stressing about everything, it was like flipping a switch. Money, time, failures, mistakes, people's opinions...i let it all go and trusted God and the plan that i was sure had been unfolding all this time. I also listened to a LOT of 'Wale' lol definitely a confidence booster(sometimes we do need sombody in our corner hyping us up and that is totally okay). This was the best thing i could have done for myself, i was getting back to ME...I had never been a worrier, I had strong, unwavering faith until i let fear seep in. Though fear is a constant struggle...(how could it not in this world that i have to raise two little humans in while still raising the woman i am becoming) i managed to find a way to tone it down and turn up the volume of "Whole queen would u hold my hand, would ya Show me a lil' black girl magic". (BGM- Wale) I changed what was being fed to my mind and the result was empowerment. So the bald, naked truth is a series of small yet powerful decisions changed everything as if i were seeing through new eyes, listening through new ears...try it...then you tell me if you agree. There comes a point when we have to exhale all the toxic broken parts of ourselves and take a deep breath inviting who we want to be...in. When we do that, embracing and loving who we are is so easy and much more fulfilling.