It is November 2016, i am a 28 year old mother to an amazing son, a wife, a singer on pause, a writer on mute and designer who false-started.
I felt the need to share a few of my
truths with you for two reasons. The first being i don't want you to learn the same hard lessons i did from experience...life is rough enough and sometimes all we need is a clear warning. my second reason for sharing is i wanted to see my mistakes and downfalls in writing because i don't plan to take these realities into 2017
Now lets get a few things out of the way...being a mom is a beautiful, one of a kind, purpose filled, rewarding, amazing experience...i can't imagine my life not being a mother. It is the best , most important thing i have ever done. For the first two months of my son's life if he wasn't on my chest when sleeping i would feel as if there was a cord still attached, pulling me to wherever he was (a heart string maybe) it still feels that way some days, even after all this time. On bad days all it takes is a smile from him and all the anger, frustration and chaos melts away...miraculously replaced by butterflies in my stomach. If someone threatens to harm my son or even says a bad word about him, i secretly hate them for a few minutes, maybe even wish them bodily harm (don't judge me, you feel the same way!!!) So now that you understand that my son is my everything and there is nothing i wouldn't do for him...now that i have painted the picture of just how much being his mother means to me...let me share some more savory truths...
There are days where i am INVISIBLE...have you ever been to a magic show and seen something disappear? Well believe me when i tell you, i can do that...i can be in a room wearing a clown outfit (red nose and all) with a migraine from hell (no you can't see this but I TOLD YOU!!!) coughing up bits of my lungs, with a fever of 109 and cramps (no you cant see this but...I TOLD YOU THIS TOO!!!) and still not be seen.
Now...don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining(maybe a little)...i'm just highlighting the conditions under which i can feed, clothe, entertain, love and care for my son and not skip a beat(oh did i mention i had on six inch heels with that clown outfit? Not really, but you get the picture)
And i'm not trying to make this sound like some super-hero kinda gig...BUT IT IS!!!(just ask my husband, he won't deny it...he knows my looks can kill...he feels this glare.)
On a normal day all my needs, life goals, short term goals (like taking off old nail polish or urinating, YES...don't look at me like that) take a back burner or sometimes don't even make it onto the stove. They say you know true love when you become a mother because you learn selflessness and self-sacrifice( what this means is you literally become maid, nurse, butler, chef, lawyer, teacher, friend, punching bag, door mat and occasionally you get pooped, peed and puked on)
The harsh truth is YOU DON'T MATTER (okay, so this may not be the actual truth but in our minds it couldn't be more real at times). It is easy to stop living and forget yourself just by being what your child or husband needs, it is easy to put your entire existence on hold (your name, your identity) to just be mommy.
BUT!!!!(and this is a note to self as well) YOU DO MATTER, you are not invisible, you are still a person, you are very important, you have a lot to offer the world, there is only one you, you will find balance again, you will find time for you, your child will not hate you for it or feel neglected, your child will respect you even more for it, you will respect yourself again, you won't die without fulfilling your purpose. (breathe...)
It is okay to cry and let yourself feel angry and frustrated. It is okay because you are human, and you are entitled to your feelings. you don't have to feel guilty when you finally (two years after their birth) leave your child with daddy to go to the mall for the ENTIRE day! You don't have to beat yourself up for pretending to be asleep at four in the morning when your child wakes up so your husband can tend to him instead of you(even though he has to be up for work in three hours, okay so maybe you should beat yourself up a little bit) YOU ARE TIRED!!!! stop apologizing for it.
That thing that you love to do, go do it...whether it is painting, designing, knitting, baking...take time for yourself and DO IT! Do yoga, or earn a degree, go to the movies by yourself, model...whatever it may be...DO IT, because when that child is 25 and living their life, they are going to look at you and say "all you ever did was stay home, you never did anything with your life, so you don't understand...Mom i want to go places, i want to be someone" (and you can't go crouching tiger, hidden dragon on your child, no matter how badly you want to...so stop blending in with the furniture...find yourself again.
So i see you making up those excuses in your head...
Don't have the body you want? go to the gym...Flat-chested? get a push-up bra(or boob job if that's your thing...no judgement here, I've seen what breastfeeding can do) can't dance? take classes...can't boil water? there are classes for that too, or Youtube...whatever you want to do...DO IT...and another thing, tune out those people who want to judge you or criticize your journey...tell them to mind their own damn business and when the doubt threatens to move in and set up shop PRAY, BELIEVE, WORK and leave it to God. You are not in this alone remember...i wrote this for me just as much as i wrote it for you...and i'll tell you another truth...this blog you are reading...on this website with my name on the home page is a little part of me practicing what i preach...you can do it too.
I'm looking forward to the day when the newly found me meets the newly found you...Go find your truth and don't forget to let our reality inspire creativity.