In the midst of the happy, the heavy, the simple, the mundane, the complicated and even the unimportant...it is easy to find yourself feeling like you are holding your breath. Easy to find yourself waiting to wake up from a dream when you feel like a spectator in your own life. Watching yourself be so fearless and driven, successful...while feeling so disconnected from the euphoria that should accompany those things.
My first single in years, I am so proud of myself for following through, so happy about finding my way back to music...even took some pictures because i was feeling myself for a minute...BUT! Do you know that at the heart of it all...the numbness, the sadness just overcame me...unlike most times, I didn't feel it coming. Some would say it is ironic that my single is called "Stronger" while I am here feeling the way I do, because in their eyes what I am going through looks like weakness and frailty. Yes, I "feel" so sad, empty and defeated right now...but, what I "know" is in a few days this feeling will pass. What I "know" is these hands, this mind, these vocal cords are blessed, that I am living the life I want more and more everyday. I am fulfilling my purpose and at the end of this "mood" I'm going to be even more awesome becasue I survived another one. For now though...it feels like someone is sitting on my chest. The sad truth is, even though I am fun, positive and love to laugh...there are days when my son has to ask me to "answer with your happy face Mommy". In those moments I have to dig deep to find that smile or energy to be what my children need...their fun, artsy, cool mom. Yesterday my children covered my face with stickers as I lay in bed...and thats's where I was for most of the day. I binged a tv. show and let myself be sad and promised myself I would try again tomorrow, hopefully tomorrow would be better. When I woke up it didn't feel better...but I got up and if that is my only victory today...then so be it.
I remember thinking this morning "if I can just make it through the next few days I will be ok" and sometimes that is all I can do...wait it out. Some days I am blessed to stay busy and work through it. I decided a long time ago to stop beating myself up about something I can't control, I face it, I take the pressure off and I don't let anyone dictate what any aspect of my life should
look like.
Hello, my name is Leontre and I live with Depression and Anxiety...don't think for one minute that you are alone or that it is your fault or that you are broken because of it. Talk about it, get through it one breath after the other...but whatever happens, just know...giving up is not an option...the world needs you. Just keep breathing.